Attention Adam Lambert

Dear Mr. Lambert,

When you're on a live, nationally televised talent competition (as you are), and you are asked to choose between two groups to which you may or may not belong based on your performance (as you were), you're never supposed to actually choose a group (as you did).

Have you ever seen American Idol, Adam? And by that, I mean are you a living, breathing human being? It's the oldest trick in Seacrest's bag. Splitting the contestants into 2 groups and asking the remaining contestant the infamous question, "so, whoeveryouare, which group do you think you belong in?". This is the first time in my years of watching American Idol that I've actually seen someone answer that question. And I'm glad it was you, Adam. Because I think you suck anyway.

This, my dear, is what you're supposed to say. "Oh my gosh, Ryan, I can't answer that. Both groups are so talented. Why are you putting me in this position? I can't choose. I just can't. I love them all". And then you just stop talking. All while smiling and laughing and looking at both groups for an equal amount of time. And when the host attempts to cut you off and get to the point (as he did), you definitely don't cut him off in order to choose your place. It's called tact. And if you don't know what that is, please refer to my previous post entitled "tact" (My creativity is astounding).

I hope this is a lesson learned. And I hope that it goes well with you.

I mute the show when you sing,
Carla

p.s. I'm looking to buy some new eyeliner, any suggestions, Adam?

Reasons I'm not ready to be a mother

I was thinking today about just how many of my friends have babies. It seems like everyone and their mother has a child (no pun intended). So I was trying to picture myself with a baby, and this is what I saw..... cricket.......cricket.......cricket....... nothing. Couldn't do it. Not without keeping my sanity.

So here's my on-going list of reasons I'm not ready to be a mother. And hopefully, someday, years down the road, I will be able to change this list to "why I'm going to be the best mother that ever lived". Until then.... in no particular order*....


1. I don't wake up to loud noises.
2. If I did wake up to loud noises, someone would need to stand in between me and that loud noise for the good of everyone involved.
3. I look better with long hair.
4. I drink excessive amounts of Diet Coke. It's not something I can do (or am willing to do) in moderation. I've tried.
5. I spend the majority of my time coming up with new greeting cards so that my sister and I can make millions one day. (This is not a joke).
6. I lock up my dog for important occasions including (but not limited to) American Idol, Lost, and Wii sporting events. The verdict's still out, but I don't think you can do that with a child.
7. I watch entirely too much reality TV for my child to grow up to be a normal, functional (or semi-functional) human being.

*This list is not all-inclusive. More to come, I'm sure.

The English Language

If I was a gamblin' woman, I'd bet that no one reads this because of the sorry title I just used. Not my fault. Those people need to quit judging books by the cover, quit knocking it till they try it, and any other cliche you deem appropriate at this time. And cliches are always appropriate.

If you're still with me.... some time ago, I had an "AHA moment" as Oprah would call it. Time out: I hate Oprah. But that's neither here nor there. Time in. There is this particular phrase in the English language that I just can't seem to wrap my mind around. And everyone says it. Yes, even you. What is it? You may be asking yourself. Drumroll please..... ba duh ba duh ba duh....

"A whole nother".

Let me let that sink in....

A whole nother story. A whole nother reason. A whole nother (insert word of choice here).

In my professional opinion, which actually isn't legit for 2 more weeks, but whatever... there are two possibilities for this phenomenon. Either we mean "another whole" and we have broken apart "another" into "a (blank) nother" and stuck "whole" in between. Or, the more likely scenario, we actually mean "a whole other", but then where did that silly /n/ come from?

I know this is deep.

I do it. You do it. We all do it.

I'm okay with it. I hope you are too.

Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble...

"Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're an Arkansas Razorback fan."

I find it quite easy, actually (I'm talking post-1994 here). I think the Razorbacks have done more to contribute to my life-lessons on humility than any other factor in my life. And I thank them for that. Somehow, no matter the sport, they always know the exact moment that I start becoming too prideful. And I can always count on those Hogs to bring me crashing back down. They remind me to humble myself. And I always do. Over and over and over and over again.

Quite possibly the most heartbreaking moment of my life thus far: Clint Stoerner's fumble.

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, God made me a Razorback fan. It's a curse that I'll always be under. A burden for me alone to carry. And all I can say is that it's one heckuva roller coaster ride, but God love those Hogs.

Next of kin.

The reasons you should go to http://whatigetforthinking.blogspot.com are three-fold:

1. She's pretty stinkin' funny.

2. She is my next of kin.

3. Standing at 5'2" and rapidly approaching 100 lbs, this Kindergartner has more joy on her face than most people have in a lifetime (see below). And she wants to share that with you. So go, and tell her the "pretty one" sent you.

Tact.

Tact: "Acute sensitivity to what is proper and appropriate in dealing with others, including the ability to speak or act without offending."

Tact is a great quality to have. Unfortunately, the amount of tact that I possess fluctuates on a daily, or sometimes an hourly basis. But I have good reason. It's because people are stupid. And they should know it.

Now over the years, it's come to my attention that there is a discrepancy between what I want to say and what I actually say when it come to dealing with people in general. And that, folks, is what we call progress.

Case-in-point......

Scenario: I need a tan. I'm not afraid to admit it. So I've been going to this place called Tan-N-Go. Because that's what I want to do. I want to tan. And I want to go. Well all of that changed a few days ago when I walked into the tanning salon and encountered Miss Hawaiian Tropic (names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or in this case, the not so innocent.) By the way, she looks nothing at all like the picture you have in your head based on the name.

What I said:

Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Hi how are you today?
Me: I'm just fine, how about yourself?
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: I'm good, what's the last name?
Me: Sawatski... S-A-W-A-T-S-K-I
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Ok it looks like you've been going 10 minutes in a 20 minute bed.
Me: Yes I'll go at that same level today.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Ok, what kind of lotion have you been using?
Me: I don't.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Did you know that your skin actually reflects the light?
Me: No, no I didn't.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Well it does, and this lotion will help your tan last longer and your skin won't dry out!
Me: How much?
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: This one is on sale for $65 this week only.
Me: BAHAHA. I'll live.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: (sarcastic laugh) Your choice.
Me: Yep.

What I wanted to say:

Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Hi how are you today?
Me: I'm just fine, how about yourself?
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: I'm good, what's the last name?
Me: Sawatski... And I know you're too incompetent to even come close to getting the first 3 letters right to put it in the computer and pull up my account so.. S-A-W-A-T-S-K-I. Just like it sounds.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Ok it looks like you've been going 10 minutes in a 20 minute bed.
Me: Why don't you scream it a little louder, I don't think the bum up the street heard you.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Ok, what kind of lotion have you been using?
Me: I don't. And don't waste your breath trying to sell anything to me. I won't buy it.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Did you know that your skin actually reflects the light?
Me: Really? Does that line work for you? Why not, "if you don't use it you're going to get skin cancer and die". Never heard that one before.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: Well it does, and this lotion will help your tan last longer and your skin won't dry out!
Me: How much commission do you get when you sell a product?
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: This one is on sale for $65, this week only.
Me: There's also a little thing I like to call St. Ive's 24 hour moisture. And I get it for $3.47 a pop.
Miss Hawaiian Tropic: (sarcastic laugh) Your choice.
Me: Bitch. (note: this is what I wanted to say. We're family-friendly here so I'll give a shout-out to the Holy Spirit for the restraint)


I'm a work in progress.