May 12, 2009

Tennessee's Most Wanted: Taylor

In my final days in Memphis, I've been the victim of a heinous crime. Now, I don't mean to frighten anyone, but this criminal is still at large. He is believed to be armed and dangerous. I'm conducting a nation-wide search to find and convict said criminal.

The crime occurred on Saturday, May 9, 2009 at approximately 2:15 a.m. Here are the details leading up to the crime.

1:00 p.m.: I arrive at FedEx Forum
2:00 p.m.: The graduation ceremony begins
2:08 p.m.: I graduate
4:45 p.m.: The last person graduates.
5:00 p.m: My family celebrates my graduation, Mother's day, and my brother's birthday with dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. We're very efficient.
10:30 p.m.: My friends and I arrive at The Flying Saucer.
2:00 a.m.: Hunger strikes.
2:01 a.m.: Jim refuses to make us Chili con Queso, and instead, brings Lauren Lee and I our tabs and politely asks us to get the heck out.

The next hour is a blur. We had no idea what was coming next. Here is the sequence of events as I recall.

Lauren Lee and I were leaving the Flying Saucer when we happened upon a boy, who may or may not have been dead, sitting by himself at a table by the door. I woke him up, checked his vital signs, and determined that he was alive. When he asked where we were going, we informed him that we would be dining at the Blues City Cafe (the scene of the crime), just one block away. We invited him to join, saying "Taylor, come with us, you'll make a good story". Not accustomed to being wrong, we were right.... but we didn't know just how right we were. Grateful that I had saved his life, he followed us to the Cafe. And then things got awkward.

The three amigos sat down for a nice, quiet dinner on the corner of Beale and 2nd street. This was the last night that any of us would dine together. I decided on the chicken strips, Lauren Lee requested a double order of chicken strips along with tamales with chili (this is a whole nother story), and Taylor..... sigh....... Taylor ordered "The Best Meal on Beale". You heard me. Ribs, catfish, and chicken tenders included. All for the bargain price of $18.95.

Once we'd given Millie our order, we began chatting and learning about our 3rd amigo, Taylor. We discovered that he is a Sig Ep at The University of Tennessee by way of Clarksville, TN. We learned that he attended a wedding that evening (I'm assuming open bar). We also discovered that he felt the need to steal 5 cups from that wedding. We observed that Taylor speaks with a lisp. And finally, we found out that Taylor likes to try to bite people. And he doesn't give up easily. This information is not all-inclusive, but it's all we have.

Our food arrived, and it was everything I expected it to be and more. Taylor felt the same way. He polished off his chicken fingers, catfish, and most of his ribs before informing us that he needed to use the restroom. And that's when it happened. Faster than you can say "Best Meal on Beale", he vanished. And by vanished, I mean we watched him walk out the back door. After the shock wore off, I decided to chase him down. After all, what are the three amigos with just two amigos? But it was to no avail, Taylor was gone. Did I mention he forgot to pay? And by "forgot", I mean knowingly ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, ate it until he was satisfied, claimed he needed to relieve himself, and walked himself and his credit card right out that back door. The classic dine-and-ditch.

If anyone knows the whereabouts of this criminal, please request $20 to cover the cost of his meal, and then give it to Lauren Lee Favreau. Because I didn't actually pay for it.

And that's how I saved a criminal's life. No good deed goes unpunished.

Click on the picture. Now.


  1. please tape that picture up all around memphis with "wanted" underneath it. well done with the Paint application. Brilliant.

  2. awesome story. im glad i see the pictures now i'll be on the lookout for him. Maybe you should call sara and see if she sees him around clarksville.

  3. How did I have a charge at that place on my credit card then?

  4. Dear Fashion First,

    The following information was obtained from my online banking record:

    5/11/2009 CHK CRD BLUES CITY CAFE CLR $24.11

    That is the amount of the Best Meal on Beale with tax and tip. Now my balance is $1.07 (Thanks Taylor)*

    *The above was written in jest (i.e. a joke or witty remark) and the writer is not held responsible for any sensitive people that experience offended emotions including but not limited to hurt, shock, anger, sadness, terror, depression and insulted or vexed. Although the writer types in truth concerning said balance of $1.07, this is a regular occurence due to poor spending habits and has no direct correlation to the incident with the infamous Best Meal on Beale thief. If this message was not intended for you, then please disregard and erase it from your memory.