August 27, 2009

Re: cats and society

This blog may cause some of you to think less of me, but I'm okay with that. I might even lose a few friends... but again, I'm okay with that. And since there are only 17 people who read this thing, I'm really okay with it. I have decided to be who I am and say what I mean. Because those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind. Or something like that. But since I'm right, I guess none of that really matters.

A little over a week ago, a good friend of mine, Lauren Cowling (holla), wrote a blog about cats and society. It just so happened that on that very same day, I had considered this topic as well. You see, I've never liked cats. Let me just put that out there.

Let me start from the beginning, because, well, that's typically a good place to start. My family had a cat once... I was 4... we called it kitty... it ran away... and no one cried. Why? Because we didn't trust it as far as we could throw it. And I use the term "it", because I legitimately don't remember its gender. And I didn't capitalize "kitty" because I don't think we ever actually named it. We just called it what it was. I suppose we could have called it "young feline", but that's a little lengthy. Because it was pointless. It did nothing. And after doing nothing, it did more nothing.

But what really inspired me to blog about this, was something I came across. Something I experienced first-hand. Something I saw with my naked eye. Approximately 3 hours before I stumbled upon LC's blog (while I was working incredibly hard, I might add), I caught a glimpse of something that one of my co-workers has chosen to publicly display on her door. For anonymity purposes, I can't say much more. Suffice it to say... it has to do with cats, their superiority, and their party habits... which I was completely unaware of.

That encounter really got me thinking about cats. I've always known that I don't like cats, but I didn't realize how deep these feelings ran until that moment. I don't think that I really need to prove that dogs are better than cats, but what-the-heck it's a Thursday night and The Office hasn't started back yet.... so here we go.

Let me break it to you gently, your cat sucks. Both of them. Or all 25 of them if you're what society would call a crazy cat lady. To put it lightly, they're a waste of space. And I'm not apologizing.

In case you're an idiot, let me clarify: I'm a dog person. My dog loves me more than anything in this world, more than any other person on this planet. In fact, at this very moment, she is standing next to me with her nose on my knee, looking at me with her puppy eyes, begging for me to pet her. Heck, I could come in after committing a heinous crime and my dog would still run up to me, open her mouth into her little doggy smile, and probably ask me what she should tell the police for my alibi. Do cats do that? No. The smug little thing probably wouldn't even know I got home. And then it would probably call the police on me.

Has anyone ever told you "ok I'll do it, but just because you gave me those kitty cat eyes?". I hope not, because if they have, you're a freak. And you're probably really awkward. And you should probably stop looking at people in general.

Have you ever heard of a rescue cat? A drug-sniffing cat? A seeing-eye CAT? Me either. Cats are egotistical. They don't care about you at all. They're out for their own interests. They wouldn't care about the person buried beneath the pile of rubble, the drug smuggler who was about to cross into U.S. territory, or the blind guy who is about to get hit by a car trying to cross the street. They'd probably let it happen. Encourage it even. That's because they're evil. And they want to rule the world.

For further proof, let's take a quick glance at the media: Famous dogs. I tried to search Wikipedia for "famous cats", and this is what I found. "you may create the page "Famous cats", but consider checking the search results below to see whether it is already covered." It wasn't. And in the words of Michael Scott, "Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information." If it's not on Wikipedia, I don't trust it. There are no famous cats on Wikipedia. Therefore, I don't trust cats. It's really all about the math.

Honestly, I have never really trusted people who own cats, and I'm especially skeptical of people who love cats. They can't be trusted. Live by it.

In other news: Jon and Kate are still divorced and Michael Jackson is still dead.

1 comment:

  1. For your health and safety, I'm going to hope and pray that Leah doesn't read this post. She hits really hard.