October 26, 2009

I make awkward look good - 1st edition.

I love a good awkward situation. Because I try not to take life too seriously. And because they're freaking hilarious. I would venture to say that I thrive in awkward situations, revel in them even.

This may be directly attributable to the extensive amount of time that I spent in what one would define as "The Awkward Years". For most people, this formidable period of time is synonymous with "The Tween Years". These years, according to Old Faithful (Wikipedia) span a period of approximately 4 years, roughly between the ages of 10 and 14. To that I would like to give Wikipedia a big, fat HA. My awkward years covered a record-breaking 12 years, beginning around age 6 and ending (I think) as I approached 18 years old.

Throughout these years, I had three of the greatest haircuts to ever fall on mankind: The Bowl Cut, The Bowlet, and the I-got-bored-in-class-and-cut-my-own-bangs style. Allow me to elaborate.

1. The Bowl Cut. This is your classic cut, sported by none other than Moe Howard and of course, myself. If you're not familiar with the bowl cut, it's pretty self explanatory. Just imagine my mom taking a bowl out of our kitchen cabinet, turning it upside-down on my head, and then slashing off all visible hair. Remove the bowl from my head and what do you have? A masterpiece. Especially for a 6-year-old girl who already wears her older brother's hand-me-downs. Let's suffice it to say, no one had me mistaken for a fairy princess.

2. The Bowlet. Most of you have probably never heard of the Bowlet before. That's because I made it up. This is a style that I wore between styles 1 and 3. Which is why it is number 2 on today's list. Allow me to paint a picture for you. The Bowlet is a combination of two of the most recognized haircuts to date: the bowl cut and the mullet. From head-on, this looks like your standard bowl cut. However, when you rotate your specimen (in this case, me) 90 degrees to either side, you notice a bit of a difference. Where, at one time, my hair was at an even length around the circumference of my abnormally large head; now, there is a gradual down-and-back slope beginning at my ears. This slope continues until the back of my hair reaches just below my shoulders. I feel fairly confident that my sister and I are the only two people to ever display this do. How's that for fashion forward?

3. The I-got-bored-in-class-and-cut-my-own-bangs style. Do you have a picture in your head? Is it awful? I assure you that my reality was much, much worse than what you're seeing in your mind's eye. Let me guess, you're picturing uneven, jagged bangs across my forehead? Yep, worse. What about bangs that hit midway down my forehead? Ha, I wish. Oh no, this little attention-grubbing 9-year-old went for the let's-see-how-short-I-can-get-one-side-of-my-bangs-while-leaving-the-other-side-the-same-length. I remember this day like it was yesterday. I was in Mrs. Cox's 4th grade class. We were talking about the rainforest that day. Since I had absolutely no interest in this whatsoever, I decided to get out my blunt-tip, Fiskars scissors and get to work. I cut off the first inch and felt the power flow through my veins. It was the gateway cut, and I was in for a trip. The next thing I knew my classmates had begun egging me on. On the back row I even heard someone whisper, "she won't cut them any shorter than that". Watch me, Michael. I kept cutting. And cutting. And cutting. Until voila. The final product. I essentially had a buzz cut on 3 inches of forehead space, leaving the remaining part of my forehead with normal, 9-year-old bangs. In case you're wondering, there's absolutely nothing you can do to fix that. And ohbytheway, there's also not much you can do to hide that. For the next year, I parted my hair to the wrong side, swooping my remaining bangs over the damaged side. I was hot. And all 9-year-old boys wanted a piece of me. All of them.

If you notice the title of this blog, it suggests that this will not be the only entry about my awkwardness as a child, adolescent, pre-teen, and teen. I am not certain how many editions there will be, but based on my life experience, I assure you that I have enough material.


  1. you forgot the black hair-dye incident of 2004.

  2. #1 I find your blog hilarious...especially when I'm trying not to take a nap...as in after lunch at work...

    #2 I definitely had the bowl cut, but my mom decided that wasn't enough, so she PERMED my bowl cut...and then I wore it around with my daily flannel shirts, baggy cargo jeans, and black, high top sneakers. I just thought you might enjoy that visual...